The Story

Some of you know what has been going on with us and some of you don't. Here is the story of the past four weeks of our life. This is being written down like this so that I don't have to tell this story 100 more times and for myself. It is long. It was started before I knew what the outcome of our situation was going to be and finished the day after our story concluded.



Wednesday June 24, 2009
Here is my journal of what has been going on in the past month. I don't know how this will end but I want to be sure to write it down so that it's not forgotten.

Josh and I went to my mid-way ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby and so they could take all the measurments they needed. One week before this Josh lost his job. It was devastating and scary and unsure for us but we were at least looking forward to this ultrasound to find out what we were having. We went in and after the tech did all the measurements she needed we asked her if she could tell what it was. The baby was balled up so tight she just couldn't see anything and told me to lay on my side for a few minutes while she checked with the doctor to see if he needed any more measurements. I thought it was wierd that she was leaving for that reason because I knew that she knew what the doctor wanted. But I pushed any uneasiness out and thought nothing of it after that.

After what seemed like an eternity my doctor came in and said that there is a "mass" showing in the ultrasound and the baby is measuring small. So they were sending me for another higher powered ultrasound at another office so that they could see more. At this point we were both in shock. My emotions went numb.


Thursday June 25, 2009
A couple of hours later we went to get the second ultrasound done in another office. They called it a level 2 ultrasound. The technician spent alot of time measuring sizes and blood flow and who knows what else. She was able to tell us that although I was exactly 18 weeks along the baby only measured 15 weeks and 5 days, which I was later told put the baby in the 1 percentile as far as size.

Then we were sent to another office so that we could talk to a doctor about what was going on. We drove to yet another doctor's office and waited another eternity as we had been doing all that day. Meanwhile the kids were at my sister in law's house being taken care of from her and my mother in law. They were in good hands. When we finally got in to see Dr. Russell she did another ultrasound on me before she said anything. When she was finally done she told us that the "mass" that is seen is my placenta. It was about 3 times the size of the baby at this point which could have been caused by a number of things. One of them being a chromosomal problem. She offered for us to do an amniocentesis and some bloodwork to determine what was going on exactly. But ultimately we were going to lose this baby since it showed that the baby was not thriving. That's when I lost it finally.

We got the bloodwork done but turned down the amniocentesis because we didn't feel we needed to know anything. I was handed pictures and a CD of movement from the ultrasound of the baby and I thought 'How dare you give me these pictures of a baby we are losing!' But I shoved them in my purse to throw away later.

Bloodwork came back and all my levels (of what, I don't know) were "off the charts". Which just confirmed that my placenta was not functioning the way it should and that is why the baby was not thriving. It also showed that was a possibility of down syndrome or spina bifida.

The next week I saw Dr. Huish and he just talked with us a little more about what was going on. All the same information we heard a few days earlier. But it was comforting to hear it from him. But really all that was told to us was that it was a matter of time.

The next week we had another ultrasound (which is 2 weeks exactly after the first one). Immediately I saw that there was a heart beat. A little comforting, a little bit not. All measurements were taken again. Blood flow was watched and recorded. Movements were recorded and put on a CD for us. (which I again intended to throw away at a later time.) At this time the baby had only grown maybe a day's worth or so. Baby was measuring 15 weeks 6 days. I was 20 weeks.

After some time by ourselves to ponder on the amnio idea again we decided to just do it if it would help in the baby's future or ours. It was a strange thing to have a needle stuck in your belly all the while watching it on that big screen in front of us. And to see fluid come out that was once protecting that baby, a strange thing.

The next week I got a call my Dr. Russell who did the amnio. She said that it came back clear with no genetic problems. I felt good about that but knew to hold back on the celebration since the baby wasn't growing much. Later that day I had an appointment with Dr. Huish. He and Dr. Russel had talked earlier about the ultrasound and the amnio results and they decided that if I make it a couple more weeks that they would have me start seeing a neonatal specialist, Dr. Ponkey. The talk was now about the baby having a possibility of surviving is it made it further in the pregnancy. With Dr. Ponkey taking the care over, the baby would have a better chance. This was the best news we had had in what seemed like an eternity.

In the meantime we scheduled a visit to Show Low to get away and relax. That trip then suddenly turned into a business trip where Josh had an interview for a job. Which, just a couple days later, he was offered. And then suddenly we needed to think about moving there. But I decided that since I am having complications I should stay in the valley as long as I am pregnant to be close to my doctors and Josh would stay with his parents for now. I thought just maybe I would be in the valley a few more months.

Saturday June 27, 2009
We had a third ultrasound scheduled the week after Josh's job interview and an appointment with Dr. Ponkey, our new specialist. The night before the appointment I was having some significant bleeding. But then it stopped. I thought something was wrong. We dropped the kids off at my parent's house and went to our ultrasound. I was sick to my stomache already. I was very anxious about this one for some reason as if it was different from all the others.

We got in and the second the tech put that wand to my stomache I knew there was no baby. The tech moved around quickly and said she was just trying to get in the right position but then she gently put her hand on my arm. I looked at her and said, "There's no heart beat is there." She said no and she and I started crying. But I knew it and it was okay. We had a whole month of doctor visits and ultrasounds and multiple tests telling us to prepare for this moment. And we had. I've talked to so many people that comforted me and they all helped to prepare me for just that moment right then.

So we were scheduled for a D&E (which is the same as a D&C) for later that day at Banner Gateway which was to be done by Dr. Huish. The baby was very small still, the ultrasound tech measured the baby for me and she said it was about 16 weeks big and about 6 oz. I was 22 weeks and one day along. Still, no measurable growth to where it should have been. I am so greatful to Dr. Huish for being there and doing the procedure and not someone else I didn't know. I will never see a different OB doctor. No matter where I live. So it was done and I was home again that night to lay on the couch and enjoy my family around me. Peyton took great care of me walking me to the bathroom holding my hand and rubbing my cheek on the couch and cuddling with me. He doesn't know anything right now. He just knows that I was sick.

We know that this was just part of our plan and a trial we had to go through. Although I feel like I have lost so much time and my plans have been ruined it really isn't my plans that matter. I know that Heavenly Father has greater plans for me in the future. I have to remind myself that he sees farther ahead than what I can see. So in that, I find comfort. Josh and I are proud of this baby for fighting as long as it did. We know we had a fighter in there. And I am very greatful for all the support that we had along the way. The meals, the calls, the emails, the conversations with other mothers who lost babies, but especially the prayers. I am greatful for this trial that we went through, and I am ready to move ahead.

But I am glad that I did not throw away those ultrasound pictures and CD's. They were stashed on top of the fridge until further notice. I can now put them somewhere safe for a later time.